Too Close To Home
by Animaltalker
Summary: Ch.8 is now up Gwen & John talk but who's lurking.
1. Chapter 1

_About 2AM_

_Stabler and Benson arrive at a crime scene, a diner in Hell's Kitchen._

Elliot questioned the uniformed officer on the scene, "What do you have on the victim so far?"

"Not much, she's a Caucasian female, in her forties, about 5' 3", 115 lbs, strawberry blonde hair, blue eyes. She's conscience, but not very coherent. She's the one who dialed 911. The perp must have taken her purse with her ID. We think she's probably the owner or manager of this place, and was closing up when she was attacked."

Olivia made her way toward the ambulance attendants and the victim.

"Johnny, Johnny," the battered woman murmured.

"That's about all she's said so far, just keeps calling for Johnny, once in a while says she should have listened to him," the ambulance attendant told Olivia.

"I'll ride with you, maybe she'll become a little more lucid on the way in," Olivia said hopefully.

"We can hope."

Olivia put on her best reassuring face and reached for the victim's hand.

"My name's Olivia Benson. What's your name?"

"Gwen, Gwen Munch," the battered woman answered in a small waif-like voice.

Olivia tried not to let the astonishment register in her face, but she quickly let the ambulance attendant take her place by the victim's side.

Olivia hurriedly dialed Elliot on her cell phone.

"Elliot I've got our victim's name, and well" –

"Well what?" he asked impatiently.

"I don't know what we should do next."

"Well, since you haven't told me the victim's name, neither do I! Come on 'Liv what's the problem?"

Olivia gave a big sigh. "Her name is Gwen Munch."

Nothing but silence filled the night.

"Hello, Elliot you still there?"

"Yeah, I'm just thinking."

"Elliot she's not been saying much, but the ambulance attendant said she has been calling for a Johnny."

" I suppose it could be a coincidence."

"I don't think so, Elliot. I'm pretty sure she's John's ex-wife, his first ex-wife."

"Yeah, look just stay with her, and don't push too hard just yet. I'm going to call Cragen, see if he thinks we should call Munch and let him know what's happened.

"Elliot, we've got to tell him."

"I'm not so sure about that, that's why I want to ask Cragen's opinion."

"All right, but Elliot, try to put yourself in John's place, if this happened to Kathy wouldn't you want to know?"

Again there was silence.

"Yeah, I suppose so, but I'd also hope that you and Cragen and Fin, and most of all John would keep me from doing something stupid."

_At the Hospital_

"Ms. Munch, we'd like to run a rape kit," the ER nurse said.

"What's that?" Gwen asked and looked at Olivia with panic.

"We need to gather evidence of the rape," Olivia said.

"And just what does that entail?" she asked.

"Each article of your clothes will be taken and placed in a separate bag for later investigation by a technician in the crime lab," Olivia began explaining in a calm voice.

"Your bruises and lacerations will be photographed; your skin will be examined under a black light for signs of semen and saliva, if we find any they will be removed with swabs," Olivia could see Gwen was becoming tense and uneasy.

"Your pubic area will be combed, in case any of his hairs may have been transferred to your body and several of your pubic hairs will be plucked for comparison. Scrapings will be taken from under your fingernails, in case you managed to scratch him, if we find blood, we'll clip your fingernails so we can get enough of it for a DNA match," Gwen was mutely shaking her head.

"Gwen, these steps are necessary so we can find this man and prosecute him," Olivia said trying to convince her.

Gwen just kept shaking her head and tears began sliding down her face.

'I didn't even get to the tough part about the vaginal exam, checking for anal penetration and asking whether she had been forced to engage in oral sex,' Olivia thought.

"Well, maybe we'll just give her something to calm her down for now, later she may feel more cooperative," the nurse suggested.

"Yeah, let's hope so," Olivia said.

_Back at the crime scene_

Elliot flipped open his cell phone and dialed Captain Don Cragen's home phone number. He was surprised when the captain answered immediately.

"Cragen here, what is it Elliot?" the captain asked, having checked the caller ID as he picked up the phone.

"Olivia and I caught a case in Hell's Kitchen, and well the victim's sort of special," Elliot said stalling just a bit.

"In what way?" Cragen asked impatiently, fearing they were about to be embroiled in another high profile case with some political bigwig.

"Well, her name's Gwen Munch. Olivia's pretty sure that she's"-

"John's first ex-wife," Cragen interrupted.

"Yeah, I wasn't sure whether we should let John know about her assault or not," Elliot said.

"We have to tell him, he'll find out one way or another, besides I seem to remember John saying his ex didn't have much family. He might be all she has," Cragen said.

"OK, well I guess I can call him," Elliot offered.

"No, I'll go over to his apartment. This sort of news should be delivered in person, and this way I can drive him to the hospital. I suppose they took her to St Vincent's Midtown." Cragen said with a hint of a question in his voice.

"Yeah, that's the nearest ER," Elliot replied.

"OK, well you hang on at the scene, make sure CSU does a good job. We don't want to blow this."

"Sure," Elliot replied.

"And Elliot, despite the name, Hell's Kitchen isn't usually that rough a neighborhood anymore. I think maybe we might have to consider that her being John's ex might have something to do with this," Cragen suggested.

"Yeah, unfortunately that thought had crossed my mind too."

_Back at the hospital_

"Gwen," the nurse said, "the doctor's going to be in, in just a minute to take a look at you, and she'll probably give you something for pain that will help you get some rest, in the meantime I think you ought to try and help the detective all you can, so they can catch this fellow and put him away, where he can't hurt anyone else."

"I'll try," Gwen said weakly.

"That's all we can ask of you. Gwen, did you see your attacker?" Olivia asked.

"Yes, and I made it a point to try to remember as much about him as I could," she answered.

"Good, tell me what you remember now, and we'll get a sketch artist in to work with you as soon as we can."

"He was white, about 5' 7" and I'd guess about 140lbs, very muscular for such a short guy and very tanned. He looked to be about 50, but a pretty healthy 50, if you know what I mean. His hair was sort of salt and pepper, cut short and balding and he had very blue eyes."

"Did he have any scars or tattoos?" Olivia prompted her.

"No scars that I noticed, but he had some tattoos on his hands, but they didn't look professionally done," Gwen answered

"Mhm," Olivia muttered as she continued jotting down the description.

"How was he dressed?" she asked.

"Very ordinary, jeans and a blue T-shirt and sneakers," she answered.

"Any jewelry?" Olivia asked.

"No wedding ring, but he was wearing this big turquoise and coral watchband, sort of an American Indian design," Gwen said, sounding a bit excited as though she'd just remembered that bit of information.

Just then the doctor came in.

"I don't want to interrupt you detective, but I really should see to Ms. Munch's injuries," the doctor said. She then turned her attention to her patient. "And even if you aren't going to have the rape kit done, which I think is foolishness, I still need to do a pelvic exam, to determine the extent of your injuries. Also I need to talk to you about testing for the possible transmission of STDs and preventing pregnancy."

"Well, don't worry about the latter," Gwen said with a hint of bitterness in her voice.

"Oh?" the doctor said to get Gwen to elaborate.

"A long time ago, I had a very difficult pregnancy, the doctors told my husband that they had to take the baby early or I'd die. He let them perform the emergency caesarean, and things went horribly wrong. As a result I can't have children, and our baby girl was just too premature to survive. She only lived a day," as Gwen recounted the story tears had filled her eyes.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to bring up an obviously painful memory," the doctor said.

"It's all right you didn't know, but you needed to," Gwen replied, regaining her composure.

Olivia's heart ached for Gwen, it sounded as though she'd had more than her fair share of tragedy. Olivia also found herself wondering if John had been the husband who had been forced by circumstance to make the ill-fated decision. She'd never heard John mention having been a father, if only for a short time, but then again, perhaps that's why he'd never said anything, and maybe that's why he seemed to care so much about the little girls who were victims.

Suddenly Gwen took a deep breath. "Doctor, you have my permission to do the rape kit," she said.

Olivia squeezed her hand and nodded. The doctor, nurse and Olivia all smiled reassuringly at her, as they got down to the difficult business of performing the rape kit.

_Cragen's Car_

As Don Cragen drove toward Munch's he found he was dreading this duty. It was never easy to inform a rape victim's family that their loved one had been assaulted, but this case would be more difficult than any other he'd ever been involved in. John Munch was a friend, and things were complicated by the fact that John and Gwen had been divorced a long time, and yet it seemed John had never really gotten over her. Don felt that was true because of a conversation he'd had with Lennie Briscoe. Lennie had told Don about first meeting John, it was on a case that took Lennie and his then partner Rey Curtis to Baltimore. Lennie realized that he had once dated Gwen, and when he revealed that to Munch, John had pretty much gone 'round the bend. Lennie admitted that Munch's reaction unnerved him. He'd never seen a guy who was quite that hung up on an ex-wife, leastwise not when a guy had married a couple of more times after he divorced the wife in question. Cragen wondered if all of John's subsequent marriages had never worked out simply because he was still in love with Gwen.

_John Munch's Apartment_

Cragen soon found himself outside John's apartment door; he knew he couldn't put off what had to be done. He wondered briefly if he should have called Fin to join him, but it was too late now. He heaved a sigh and rang the doorbell.

John awoke, a bit disoriented and annoyed at himself for having fallen asleep in front of the TV. He heard the doorbell ring again, and realized that was what had awakened him. He checked his watch and wondered who in the world would be at his door at 2:30 in the morning. The only person he could imagine might be at his door at this hour was his partner, Odafin Tutuola.

"What's a matter, wouldn't she answer your booty call?" John said with a hint of annoyance in his voice as he opened the door.

Despite the seriousness of the situation, Cragen had to fight very hard not to give voice to the comeback that was on the tip of his tongue.

"Uh, Captain I wasn't expecting you. I thought at this hour it was probably Fin," John said trying to cover his embarrassment.

"No problem John, can I come in?" Cragen asked.

"Of course," John said, stepping back to allow his boss to enter his apartment. John's mind was now spinning through the cobwebs of his sleepiness, trying to figure out why Cragen was here, at his apartment, so late. None of the scenarios coming to his mind were good ones.

Cragen noticed John was still dressed, except his shoes and jacket were off, and his clothes looked a bit rumpled. The TV was on, but it was displaying a DVR menu. He guessed that John might have fallen asleep watching a prerecorded show.

"So to what do I owe the honor of your presence at this hour of the morning?" John asked.

"There's no easy way to tell you this, John. Olivia and Elliot responded to a call in Hell's Kitchen"-

"Gwen?" John interrupted Cragen, in a shaky voice.

"Yeah," Cragen confirmed, as John sank down on his sofa.

"Is she,"– John couldn't finish his question.

"They took her to St. Vincent's Midtown. She was conscious enough to give her name. Olivia said she was calling for Johnny," Cragen told him, looking to see what John's reaction would be to that.

John reached for his shoes and started putting them on, the necessary but routine action calming him somewhat. "Would you mind giving me a ride to the hospital?" he asked Cragen.

"Not at all, that's why I drove over rather than just calling you, that and this just isn't the sort of news you give somebody over the phone," Cragen answered.

John finished tying his left shoe and reached for his jacket. "Let's go. I want to be there for her as quickly as I can be," he explained.

"Sure, come on, I left my car right outside your building's front door," Cragen said, as he began ushering John out of his own apartment.

_Back at the hospital_

"There, we're all done. You were a real trooper," the doctor told Gwen as she helped her ease back down on the exam bed. "Nurse, let's get her transferred to a regular room, so she can get some rest," the doctor instructed the nurse.

"We'll want to put a guard outside that room," Olivia said quietly as the nurse went by her and the nurse nodded knowingly.

"Gwen one last thing, your purse wasn't found in the diner, so there's a possibility that the man who did this to you has your purse. Is it possible he could figure out where you live from what's in your purse, and possibly get in to your place?" Olivia asked.

Gwen's eyes grew large with fright. "Oh my God, yes. My driver's license and my checkbook are in my purse, both have my address on them and my keys are in there too," she answered.

"OK, give me your address and I'll take a couple of officers over there with me to check the place out. Maybe we'll even get lucky and catch him there. We'll have your locks changed to prevent him from getting in after you go back, OK?" Olivia said the last more to reassure Gwen, than to get her permission, as changing the locks on a rape victim's home was standard operating procedure. Olivia handed Gwen a pen, and her notebook opened to a blank page for her to write her address down.

"OK, uh Detective?" Gwen said a bit hesitantly, as she started to write her address.

"Yes Gwen," Olivia replied.

"As long as you're going to be at my apartment anyway, would you mind picking up a few things for me?" Gwen asked shyly.

"Let me guess, a night gown and robe, a pair of slippers, a change of clothes for when they let you out of here, a hairbrush, some makeup and maybe a pair of sunglasses to hide whatever the makeup doesn't. Am I right?" Olivia suggested.

"Exactly," Gwen said a bit surprised that Olivia had seemingly read her mind. "I'd be very grateful, that is if you wouldn't mind," she added.

"I don't mind at all. I'll get going now, so you can get some rest, and I'll be back in the morning, well later in the morning with your things and probably that sketch artist," Olivia said.

Olivia found she really had meant it, when she said she didn't mind going to Gwen's apartment to get things for her. She found Gwen Munch to be a very sweet, rather vulnerable woman. Olivia found herself wondering how different a man John Munch would be, if he'd spent the last couple of decades married to this woman. Surely he couldn't be the bitter cynic he'd become, if he'd remained married to such sweet child-like woman.

_Cragen's car_

"You doing OK, John?" Don asked his passenger.

John let out a shuddering breath. "I don't know, I was just thinking I've been in New York for six years, and I've never really made an effort to see Gwen. I don't know why. When I decided to leave Baltimore, I came here, because I knew Gwen was here, but then once I arrived, I just couldn't bring myself to see her and open up all the old wounds," John explained.

"What sort of old wounds?" Cragen asked.

John gazed out the window into the darkness of the city streets. "She wanted kids and I didn't, but she kept after me and – well, I never could deny her anything. So, I got her pregnant. The further along she got in the pregnancy, the more in love I fell with our unborn child, but then suddenly she got very ill. The doctor ordered her to rest, to change her diet, but nothing helped. One day I came home from work and found her unconscious on the floor. I took her to the emergency room, and the doctor said I had to let them take the baby, right then or they'd both die," John's voice cracked a bit. Cragen said nothing, letting John set his own pace in telling this story.

"Our baby girl was born so very early, she was incredibly small, with so much going against her. They had her hooked up to IVs and a respirator and monitors. They wouldn't let us hold her. Not that Gwen could anyway, the emergency c-section had gone disastrously and she nearly bled to death, by the time they got it under control, they had had to take steps that meant she'd never be able to have another child. She was barely out of recovery when Etta died," John's voice had faded to a husky whisper, and Cragen could see tears streaking down Munch's averted face in the reflection of the window.

John reached up and took off his glasses, wiping the tears from his eyes. "Gwen never forgave me for letting them take the baby early. Eventually her frigid bitterness just proved to be too much for me to take, and I divorced her, but," he trailed off.

"But?" Don asked.

"I never really stopped loving her. I think that's why none of my other marriages or relationships have ever worked. I always felt like I was being a bigamist or committing adultery," John admitted.

"Uh, we're here," Cragen said, never so glad not to have to come up with a response to something someone had said.

_At the hospital_

John bolted from the car as soon as Cragen brought the car to a halt, and made a beeline for the hospital's emergency room. Once inside he flashed his badge at the nurse at the receiving desk.

"Where's Gwen Munch?" he asked.

The nurse consulted the computer.

"They've just taken her off this floor and sent her to a private room for 24 hour observation, but the doctor has ordered no visitors, except immediate family until normal visiting hours. And I believe that even includes police officers," the nurse said taking in both John and Cragen.

"Doesn't include me," John said.

"Oh really and why's that?" the nurse asked.

"Because I'm her husband," John said, and as he said it, he found that the little white lie felt wonderful to say.

The nurse looked at him suspiciously, so he pulled his ID out again.

"See, John Munch," he said emphatically as he pointed at his name.

"Ah, you must be the Johnny she was calling for when she was brought in. They've taken her up to room 312," she told him.

As Cragen started to follow John to the elevator, the nurse called out, "Sir, I'm sorry. Unless your family too, you'll have to wait, down here."

"Captain, why don't you go home and get some sleep. I can get a ride from someone from the squad later," John suggested.

"You sure you're going to be all right?" Cragen asked.

"Yeah, hearing that she's well enough to be sent up to a private room has me feeling a lot better. I'll be OK. See you in the squad tomorrow; uh, I might be a little late," John replied.

"You don't need to come in," Cragen assured him.

"Yes I do, but I'm not going to argue with you, besides I want to get up to see Gwen," John said.


	2. Chapter 2

_Gwen Munch's Apartment_

_  
_Olivia had found the superintendent of Gwen's building and explained the situation, so now she and a male and female uniformed officer were waiting outside Gwen's apartment door to go inside. They didn't hear anything, but still it made Olivia nervous to be entering the apartment and so everyone had they're guns drawn and at the ready. They made the usual sweep through the apartment looking for the perp, but came up empty.

"Well, looks like we can relax a little, thanks for coming with me though," Olivia said as she holstered her gun and walked the cops to the front door of the apartment.

"Don't you think maybe we should station somebody here at least until we either get the lock changed or locate the victim's keys?" the female officer asked.

"Yep, you read my mind. I'll let you two flip for who gets the front door and who gets to watch the fire escape," Olivia said with a smirk, as she started taking in the apartment.

The place was very much like the occupant, beautiful and charming with a hint of eccentricity and fragility. The foyer wall had a beautiful, but haunting photograph of a little girl, probably about 4 years old. She had auburn hair and blue eyes and that blush pink skin one only sees on children. She was dressed in a blue swimsuit and sandals and a smile. The only thing marring the photo was a woman in a sundress; from her coloring she was probably the little girl's mother. The woman was scowling at the child. It was hard to imagine what a little cherub such as seen in the picture could have done to deserve such a harsh look, and Olivia wondered why on earth Gwen would have the picture where she did.

As she moved into the living room, she could see at least one thing that John and Gwen must have shared, a passion for reading. There were books and magazines and newspapers everywhere. Not that the room was messy, just lived in by an avid reader. One whole wall of the living room, the largest one, was covered from floor to ceiling with loaded bookcases, and the books were clearly arranged by categories, eclectic categories at that, classic literature and poetry were followed directly by comparative religion, cuisine and conspiracy theories. That grouping of books had Olivia sorely tempted to check out the inside covers of a few to see if they were John's.

The furniture was comfy looking, a big couch with an afghan that absolutely had to be handmade, because no one would market something with that many bright colors in it. A coffee table for strewing magazines on, a couple of comfy chairs with floor lamps that you could position perfectly for reading or crafts, and another shelving arrangement, this one was more for holding potted plants and decorations, and what a friend of Olivia's charitably called collectibles, or not so charitably called bric-a-brac.

Something on that shelving unit caught Olivia's attention. It was a picture, one of those studio portrait package deals you sometimes get for graduation or some other special event, or just because it's been ages since you've had a portrait done. She wondered what special event had inspired this picture? It was of a much younger and more carefree John Munch. Olivia was probably prejudice, but she'd always thought John was pretty good looking in his own kind of way, but in this picture, he was seriously hot. She shook her head; she couldn't believe she'd just thought that, it was like thinking your big brother was hot. She'd best just get down to business. She came to get some clothes and makeup for Gwen, not go snooping through her stuff.

Olivia headed towards Gwen's bedroom, she tried to stop herself from analyzing this room too, but couldn't resist. She found it a bit austere, pretty much just the necessities, a bed, dresser, nightstand, an armoire, which she bet hid a TV and DVD player, and as her eyes scanned around the room they fell on another picture hanging on the wall, this one was of John and Gwen, it must have been taken by friends. The person with the camera had caught them in one of those wonderful moments of being a young couple in love. They were in a park somewhere with lush green grass and trees around them, sunshine streaming in through the canopy. John was standing behind Gwen with his arms wrapped around her looking down at her adoringly, and she had her face turned up and tilted back to see him better, the look of joy on her face was radiant. The picture was so wonderful Olivia almost expected to hear the sounds of the park and John and Gwen's voices.

She shook herself; she could not get wrapped up in her victim's past with her friend, as it would distract her from working the case. She started her search for Gwen's nightgown, finding it the first place she looked, under the pillow, and then headed off in search of her robe, a bit trickier, back of the door in the bathroom. She then gathered together some toiletries and makeup, and then started about the business of choosing a going home outfit for Gwen. Not an easy task when you are going through a stranger's wardrobe. She decided to keep it simple, and try to keep Gwen as covered up as possible to hide her bruises. She ended up with a nice light blue turtleneck sweater and some navy slacks, and she found some sensible flats in her closet that from the wear pattern looked to be favorites. She threw what she hoped were an everyday pair of undies, a bra and trouser socks into an overnight bag she had found in the closet, along with the sweater, slacks, shoes, nightgown, robe and makeup. She was just about to leave the bedroom when she remembered to check for slippers.

"OK, Olivia said out loud to herself, "I got the clothes, shoes, jammies, slippers, makeup, hair stuff, think 'Liv what are you forgetting?" she asked herself. She hit herself lightly in the forehead with her palm. "Sunglasses!"

"OK, if I were Gwen Munch where would I keep my sunglasses?" she asked herself.

"Probably in the purse that got stolen," she answered herself as she poked around in likely places.

Finally, she headed for the kitchen, thinking maybe Gwen might stash things on her kitchen table or near the coffee pot, and that's when she saw it, hanging by it's leather strap from one of the chairs at the kitchen table, Gwen's purse. She actually got a chill down her spine. They had walked right past it and not even noticed it was there. Three trained investigators had seen a woman's purse hanging from its strap in the kitchen of her apartment, and somehow forgotten that the perp had stolen her purse.

She tried not to berate herself or the other officers after all, usually if a rapist has the victim's purse and keys, you don't expect him to come back and just drop them off, no fuss, no muss. You expect the apartment to be ransacked, vandalized, for there to be a further violation of the victim through the destruction of her property. That this perp hadn't done that scared Olivia even more, it suggested to her a deeper, more sinister motive.

She reached in her pockets for gloves so she could pick up the purse without contaminating evidence, but then she thought better of it. What if the purse is booby trapped somehow? Picking it up could be a big mistake and her last. She decided she better call in CSU, and even though it sounded paranoid, she'd call the bomb squad, they could deal with it, and then laugh at her later if it turned out to be nothing.


	3. Chapter 3

_At the Hospital_

John walked toward Gwen's room, his tired mind awhirl with thoughts. After six years in Special Victims he'd seen many rape victims, but none had been close to him, and no one was as close to him as Gwen had once been. He was worried about how he might react. He knew that rape victims could be traumatized again by the reactions of their loved ones, of course he wasn't sure he qualified in that category as far as Gwen was concerned. In fact, he wasn't sure Gwen would even want him there. Maybe his presence would make things worse. Well, he'd just have to cross that bridge, if and when he got there.

When he arrived at Gwen's room, John was relieved to see that the young uniformed officer posted outside looked alert despite the hour. Just as he was about to pull out his badge and ID, the young officer asked, "Are you Detective Munch?"

"Yes," John answered, too startled and weary to come up with a glib retort.

"Detective Benson said to expect you. Sorry about what happened to your ex. Don't worry, I won't let anything else bad happen to her on my watch," the young officer promised.

"Thanks Officer … Rodriquez," John said, reading the officer's name off the nameplate on his uniform, just before he entered the hospital room.

"Please Ms. Munch, you'll really feel better if you take them," a middle-aged nurse in blue scrubs said, as she held a small paper cup out toward Gwen.

"I don't want anything," Gwen said petulantly.

"If you don't want them, can I have them?" John asked, trying for his normal wit.

"Johnny!" Gwen said happily.

"And just who are you? There are no visitors allowed at this hour!" the nurse scolded.

"Oh please, let him stay. He's my husband," Gwen pleaded. John couldn't help smiling, when he heard her use the same white lie he'd used earlier.

"Well, that's different, of course he can stay. Someone should have said your husband was coming in." The nurse's tone totally changed.

"See if you can get her to take her meds. It's just a mild sedative and an analgesic. She really needs to sleep," she said just before she left.

John crossed to the bedside table and poured some water from the pitcher. He tried not to flinch when he looked at the bruises that marred the otherwise creamy skin on the right side of Gwen's face and on her arms. The cop in him wondered if the perp backhanded her with his right hand or if the guy was a lefty. The man in him wanted to find the repulsive bastard and beat him to death. He picked up the small cup holding the pills and held it out to Gwen, giving her one of his trademark over the glasses looks. In return, she gave him a look not unlike a pouting child, and then begrudgingly took the pills and the glass of water. She chugged the pills down like a pro.

"Satisfied?" she asked.

"No, no in order for me to be satisfied, I'd need to have a bunch of supernatural powers, like the ability to turn back time and go back to before you were attacked," John said, his voice was getting agitated and he began pacing in the small space between Gwen's hospital bed and the window.

"I'd also need to be clairvoyant, so I'd know you were going to be attacked and could show up to protect you, so this wouldn't have ever happened to you," he said passing his hand over her to indicate her injuries. She reached out and grabbed his hand, forcing him to come to a standstill next to her bed.

"Oh Johnny, it hasn't been your responsibility to protect me in a long, long time," she said gently.

"It never should have stopped being my responsibility," he said in low voice, as he looked down to where their hands were now twined.

"John Munch, no one could have expected you to stay married to me, not after the way I acted, the way I treated you. It was just wrong," she said, gently contradicting him.

"Look, I didn't come here to dig up the past. I just came because I thought, well maybe you might need someone."

"And you were right, I did, I do, but how did you know to come?" she asked truly puzzled.

"Captain Cragen came by my apartment and told me that Elliot and Olivia had caught a case in Hell's Kitchen. I knew right away you had to be the victim. He wouldn't have come in person, if he just wanted me to help out on the investigation," John explained, he rubbed his thumb back and forth absentmindedly on her hand as he held on to it.

"Olivia, that's Detective Benson?" she asked, and John nodded. "You work together in the Special Victims Unit?"

"Yeah, when I moved up here after I retired from Baltimore PD, they didn't have a position for a detective in Homicide, so I took the position in Special Victims."

"Do you like it?" she asked skeptically.

"No, no one likes Special Victims, but," he hesitated for a moment, "someone has to handle these cases."

"But why you? You already put in twenty years in Baltimore, most of that in Homicide. Why should you have to see the depravity of sex crimes day in and day out?"

John looked at her in amazement, here she was, a rape victim, and she was worried about him.

He let out a sigh. "Special Vics tears up your heart and soul, but mine were already so tattered, I figured it didn't matter as much. So my staying in the unit means somebody else isn't getting torn up," he answered simply.

"I guess I'm the one that did most of the damage to your heart, huh?" she asked and a tear ran down her un-bruised cheek.

"No, Gwen don't think that," he said and he released her hand long enough to gently wipe away the tear. "When I think about us now, I remember the good times. I think about all the smiles and the laughter. I don't remember the hurtful stuff anymore."

"I miss you. I miss your clothes strewn all over the bedroom floor and your books and magazines left open on every horizontal surface in the apartment. I miss your snoring in my ear, and complaining about my 'things' being on the shower rod. I even miss missing you when you worked late. I'd go to bed in one of your shirts just to feel closer to you."

"I miss you too Gwen. I have for so long now."

Suddenly Gwen hit John, her small fist not really making much of an impression on his chest, but the blow startled him.

"Then why the hell haven't you come to see me?" she yelled at him.

"Well, isn't that obvious? I'm a coward where you're concerned, always have been, or we'd still be married," he answered angrily.

"What do you mean?" she asked, thinking his answer seemed out of place.

"When you started acting so strangely after we lost the baby, I should have made you go to counseling, but I didn't. When you started running around on me, I should have insisted we go to marriage counseling, but I didn't. Hell, I didn't even beat the crap out of the other guys, which would have at least made me feel better, but no, I just sat back and took it all like some idiotic milksop." He turned his back to her for a moment. "Damn it! I said I didn't want to do this. I don't want to fight with you." He turned back to face her. "I came here to try to comfort you, not to drag up bitter memories."

"I'm sorry. I'm really glad you came, and you are a comfort to me. I'm sorry I lashed out at you, I just wish you'd come to me years ago, before,"- she broke off and started crying.

John sat next to her on the bed and put his arms around her and began rocking her. "Please baby, don't cry, don't cry."

The heart he'd mentioned, that he thought had been so severely battered before, broke a little more, as he realized what she was trying to say. She was having a typical rape victim response. She felt the rape made her unworthy of being with him. To him that was crazy thinking, nothing that creep had done to her was going to change how he felt about her.

"Johnny, I'm getting kind of sleepy, but I'm sort of afraid to sleep. Afraid I'll have nightmares about that man. Would you hold me while I sleep? Like you used to, when we'd take naps together on the couch," she asked, in a small voice broken by her attempts to stop crying. "I always felt so safe in your arms," she added.

"Sure, No problem," John answered. He toed off his shoes and took off his jacket, throwing it at the one chair in the room. He removed his holster and gun and put them in the drawer of the bedside table. He found it wasn't quite as easy as he had made it sound, to get in the hospital bed with her, but eventually he slid himself in beside her and pulled her to him. She cried out in pain as he lifted her up a bit to place her upper body against his chest.

"Gwen, did I hurt you?" he asked, very concerned.

"It's not your fault, the doctor says I have a few cracked ribs," she answered.

"That son of a bitch, I'll kill him," he said in a low, menacing near-whisper.

"No Johnny, he's not worth you getting in trouble," she said in a sleepy voice, and then she rubbed the unbruised side of her face against his shoulder and threaded her fingers though his, pulling his arms around her like a shawl, as she drifted off to sleep.

John looked down at the woman in his arms. It amazed him, she'd always fit right there on his shoulder, his arm never fell asleep when she slept there, but every other wife or girlfriend who tried that left him cussing the pins and needles later. He kissed the top of her head and allowed himself to relax, and soon he too was sleeping soundly.

The nurse checked in on Gwen later, she smiled at the sight of her patient sleeping so peacefully in her husband's arms. Even his snoring didn't seem to bother the sleeping woman. The nurse decided not to take Gwen's vitals, as she didn't want to risk waking her or her husband. Sleep would help them both. As she turned to leave she found herself wishing, not for the first time in her career, that she were a fairy godmother, and could simply wave a wand and make the bad things that had happen to her patient magically disappear, but she was simply a nurse and unfortunately, not even time was going to make the rape go away.


	4. Chapter 4

_Outside Gwen Munch's Apartment_

Olivia decided to wait outside the apartment in the hallway. She explained what she'd found to the female officer who was on guard outside the apartment, and then she slid down the wall and tried to make herself a little more comfortable. The wait for CSU and the bomb squad seem to be taking forever, although Olivia knew that it really hadn't been that long, it was just that she was tired and worried for her friend. She supposed that John had made it to the hospital by now; she wondered how that was going. She'd been leaning against the small bag of Gwen's things and her head was just starting to nod when she heard the Bomb squad and CSU start coming up the stairs. She quickly stood up and got ready to brief them. Then she saw something that made her smile, her partner with two big cups of coffee.

She briefed the bomb squad guys on what she'd seen and they headed in, the CSU guys contented themselves with dusting the entry door, saying they'd go over surfaces inside when the bomb squad gave the all clear.

"So why'd you call in the bomb squad guys?" Elliot asked.

"OK, maybe I'm overreacting, or something but when a purse the victim tells you was taken from her shows up just hanging from a chair in the kitchen of her apartment, don't you think that's kind of weird?" she asked.

"Yeah, of course maybe Munch has just rubbed off on you and you're getting paranoid. What?" Elliot asked, having noticed a look flicker across Olivia's face.

"Oh El, after listening to Gwen talk and seeing her apartment, Elliot she still has pictures of John up in her apartment and," Olivia stopped uncertain what to say next.

"What?" Elliot asked, trying not to get impatient with Olivia but growing irritated with her manner of relaying the information she had about John and his ex-wife.

"It's just so sad, the pictures she has of John, he looks so happy. They look so happy together."

"Any idea what wrecked the bliss?" Elliot asked, but before Olivia could answer the bomb squad guys appeared.

"It's all clear now. You've got good instincts detective, if you'd knocked that purse over, kaboom," the bomb squad tech reported.

"So it did have a bomb in it?" Elliot asked somewhat astonished.

"Yep, we're gonna take it back to the lab for some analysis, but it's pretty likely the stuff is run of the mill C-4, the detonator, which was designed to be motion sensitive, was rigged to mercury switches. You know, it was a good design, but the plant site was poorly chosen," the bomb squad tech explained.

"Why's that?" Olivia asked.

"Well, from what I know of most women, it's pretty unlikely that she'd have moved that purse enough in the regular course of her daily activity to set the bomb off," he answered.

"Maybe he didn't want it to go off. Maybe he wanted her to find it and be scared by it," Elliot speculated.

"Could be, well let's hope that CSU or you bomb tech guys turn something up to give us a clue. I need to go to the hospital," Olivia said, picking up the bag with Gwen's clothes and things. "We need to get a sketch artist to Gwen's room this morning too," she added.

"I'll drive you over there," Elliot offered.

On the drive over to St Vincent's Olivia filled Elliot in on the story of John and Gwen.

"I suppose losing the baby and Gwen probably had a lot to do with making John the man we know today. That sort of loss will leave some pretty serious marks on your soul," Elliot observed.

"Yeah," was all Olivia could think to say.

_At the SVU stationhouse_

Fin Tutuola looked around and wonder where everyone was, generally his partner and Olivia and Elliot were all at the stationhouse about the same time he was, but none of them were there and there was no sign they'd been there and had gone somewhere, like on an early call. He decided to see if the boss was in.

He knocked on Cragen's door.

"Come in," Cragen said gruffly. He barely looked up and continued listening to a phone conversation, throwing in the occasional uh huhs and oks. Finally he said, "OK, I'll have Fin round up a sketch artist and get over to St. Vincent's. If you and Olivia can't convince him to go home and get some rest maybe he can," he said and hung up.

"Convince whom to go home? What's going on captain?" Fin asked puzzled.

"John, his ex-wife Gwen was raped and beaten last night at her diner in Hell's Kitchen. Olivia and Elliot caught the case. The perp's a real piece of work too; he took her purse, let himself into her apartment, and then left the purse in the apartment with a nice little bomb in it. Fortunately, when Olivia went to Gwen's apartment to check it out and get her some clothes, she saw the purse. She had a weird feeling about it, so she called the bomb squad. They're going over it now. Maybe we'll catch a break, so we can figure out who this psycho is before he does any more damage," Cragen said, obviously worked up.

"Why didn't you call me in sooner?" Fin asked, obviously feeling a bit put out that the Captain hadn't brought him into the loop immediately.

"I thought about calling you last night, but I thought we might need somebody in the squad who was fresh enough to be thinking with a clear head this morning. From what I saw last night, your partner is really going to need you," Cragen explained.

"What did you see?" Fin asked.

"A man who is still deeply in love with his ex-wife and torn up real bad that someone has hurt her."

"Damn, that could really spell trouble," Fin observed.

"My thoughts exactly, we have to find this sleaze bucket and quick, before John finds him and kills him," Cragen said.

"You don't think John would go that far do you?" Fin asked, startled that Cragen would suggest something like that.

"I don't know. I heard rumors about John, from his Baltimore days," Cragen hesitated, and Fin gave him a look that implored him to continue. "People say John offed a perp who shot his partner and a couple of other cops. I guess there's no solid proof and nobody's too eager to pin this guy's murder on a cop, so it just remains a rumor, but if it's true, well then I guess I wouldn't put it past John to go after her rapist."

He and Fin just looked at each other for a moment.

"I'll go round up that sketch artist," Fin said.

"Yeah, you do that, and remember you've got 2 assignments, deliver that sketch artists and get John out of there and back to his place for some rest," Cragen ordered.

"Yes sir, Captain," Fin replied.

_At the Hospital_

She didn't want to wake the sleeping couple, but she did need to take her patient's vitals. The night nurse had felt that the husband's presence had done a lot towards calming the patient, allowing her to get restful sleep, which was what she really needed. She was a lucky woman, a lot of men didn't handle the sexual assault of their wife or girlfriend well, and that just added to the trauma, but seeing as this woman's husband was a detective in Special Victims, he was handling it very well.

"Mrs. Munch, Gwen?" the nurse said trying to get her to wake up. John woke with a start and instinctively held Gwen closer to him, as if to protect her. His sudden movement jostled her sore ribs and not only woke her, but caused her to cry out in pain.

"Gwen, did I hurt you? Oh baby, I'm sorry. I was just startled," John started apologizing immediately.

"No, I'm sorry. I just wanted to take her vitals. I didn't mean to startle you, Mr. Munch," the nurse apologized.

"It's OK, I know you didn't mean to hurt me, and it wasn't that bad. I was more startled than anything," Gwen said, trying to sooth John's guilty conscience.

"Here let me extricate myself," John offered.

"No that's OK, your wife has been sleeping very comfortably in your arms, and as long as you feel OK there, I'd encourage you to stay with her," the nurse said. She then proceeded to take Gwen's pulse, blood pressure, respirations, and temperature.

"What's the verdict?" John asked, when the nurse was done.

"Everything looks good," she answered.

"You should check him. I'll bet he doesn't check out that way," Gwen challenged.

"Oh, and just what do you suspect I'd find wrong with him?" the nurse asked.

"I'm willing to wager that from too much coffee, too little sleep, and a crappy diet, his blood pressure is way above where it should be," Gwen predicted.

"Hey, I'm not the patient here," John said, holding a hand up to fend the nurse off.

"Well, I'd love to check, but I've got a lot of other patients on my rounds," the nurse said before leaving the couple alone.

"Well, now that we're both awake, I better get going. I need to check in at the station house, see how Olivia and Elliot are doing on your case," John said, as he slid himself out from beneath Gwen and retrieved his glasses from the bedside table.

"Do you have to go?" she asked. John sat down on the edge of the bed as he put his shoes on.

"Well, no, Cragen said I didn't have to come in today, but I need to help find out who did this to you. Can you understand that?" he asked gently.

"Yes, but John, promise me, you won't do anything foolish. This guy's not worth it," she said, her voice starting to break.

"But you are," he said, taking her hands in his and then he leaned forward to kiss her gently on her un-bruised cheek.

Before she could say anything Elliot and Olivia arrived.

"Hi Gwen, John," Olivia said trying to be cheery.

"Hey Olivia, Elliot," John replied. "Gwen, you've met Olivia Benson, right?" John asked. Gwen nodded and smiled at Olivia. John continued, "This is her partner Elliot Stabler," John introduced the other detective; it was an offbeat tableau, if it were not for the fact that she were a rape victim, whose case they were investigating, he could be introducing his colleagues to his spouse.

"Gwen I brought you some clothes and other things from your apartment," Olivia said, moving closer to Gwen, at the same time Elliot pulled John aside.

"John let's talk, OK?" he suggested.

"Gwen, honey, I'm going to go get some coffee with Elliot. I won't be gone too long," John promised, he then reached into her bedside table and reclaimed his gun and holster.

"OK, that will give me a chance to see what Olivia brought to me," Gwen answered.

"So you got something on the case?" John asked as they exited Gwen's room and he finished putting his holster on, and then shouldered his way into his jacket.

"Yeah, a little, but I'm not so sure I should be bringing you in on this," Elliot said.

"Excuse me?" John said, and stopped walking to look at Elliot.

"Well, it's not like you're a totally disinterested party here. I mean I know you and Gwen are divorced, and have been for a long time, but from what I just saw in there, it looks to me like you've still got some pretty deep feelings for her," Elliot explained his reluctance to fill John in on the case as he usually would.

"Yeah well, your right about the feelings but let me ask you something. If that was Kathy in there, would you want me to keep you out of the investigation?" John asked him earnestly.

"No, no and I probably wouldn't take too kindly to anyone trying to keep me out of it, even if it was SOP, and probably a damn good idea to boot," Elliot admitted and then sighed. "Come on, let's get that coffee, and I'll fill you in before Finn gets here and tries to follow Cragen's orders."

"What orders," John said, staying rooted to the spot.

Elliot was amazed that a guy as scrawny as Munch could actually make himself into a fairly good imitation of an immovable object.

"Fin's suppose to bring a sketch artist by, and then get you to go home to rest," Elliot explained.

"Fat chance," John said. "I might go home, take a shower and get some fresh clothes, but then I'm going to the station and help out with the investigation," he stated in no uncertain terms.

"John, don't you think you should get some decent sleep?" Elliot asked kindly. "You couldn't have gotten much sleep sitting up in a chair next to Gwen's bed all night."

John grinned, "Who says I slept in a chair?" John sighed. "El, I had the best 3 or 4 hours of sleep I've had in, I don't know, 25 years," he said shaking his head a little.

"Huh," Elliot said, "what gives?"

"Last night Gwen didn't think she could sleep without having nightmares, so she asked me to hold her, said she always felt safe in my arms. So I got up in the hospital bed and held her like I used to back when we were married. I don't think it was much more than a minute after her head went down on my shoulder until we were both sound asleep," John seemed to almost be lost in his memories.

"When Kathy used to do that I'd always wake up with pins and needles in my arm," Elliot said with a bit of a chuckle.

"Yeah, with every other woman I've ever been with that happens, but not with Gwen, she fits perfectly, like she was made to be with me," John said wistfully.

Elliot looked at John, he was worried for his friend, he had the feeling that John thought that his ex-wife's rape might bring them back together, and Elliot knew that even if it did, it wouldn't be the happily ever after affair that they might want it to be, they'd have to deal with the trauma of the rape and what broke them up in the first place would still be there too.

'Uh, so you want me to fill you in on what we found at the diner and at Gwen's apartment?" Elliot asked.

"Yes, of course," John said, shaking off the dreamy state he'd been in.

Elliot proceeded to explain that they'd found little evidence at the diner but then explained what had happened when Olivia went to Gwen's apartment.

"Wait, your saying he returned her purse and left a bomb in it?" John asked in a controlled but agitated manner.

"Yeah, the bomb squad technicians aren't sure if the guy really meant for it to go off, or if he purposely placed it where it was, to be found and put a good scare into Gwen," Elliot answered.

"Son of a bitch, this guy is a real sadist. It's not enough what he did to her, he has to invade her home and terrorize her and why, what's this guy's game? If he went through all this trouble then Gwen's not a random target," John had begun to pace as he was thinking outloud.

"John, calm down, when we get all the forensic data and when we get a sketch of the guy to go with then we'll have a better shot of figuring out who this guy is and nailing him," Elliot said trying to calm John down. He didn't dare say what he was thinking, that perhaps someone had gone after Gwen as a way of getting back at John for something he'd done in his long career as a cop. br / 


	5. Chapter 5

_Gwen's Hospital Room_

"Thanks for bringing my own things Olivia," Gwen said as she gingerly got back into the hospital bed with Olivia's help.

"No problem, you want some help with your hair and makeup? I notice you seem to be having a bit of trouble lifting your arm," Olivia said.

"Yeah, these cracked ribs are really uncomfortable," Gwen replied.

"Do you want the nurse to bring you something?" Olivia asked.

"No, it's not that bad, but I will take you up on the help with my hair and makeup. I'd love to get rid of the battered woman look."

"Here, let's see what I can do about that," Olivia said, as she spread out Gwen's makeup on the hospital tray table and started working on covering Gwen's bruises. As Olivia worked she chatted with Gwen, soon the conversation turned to John.

"How is he, really?" Gwen asked.

"What do you mean?" Olivia asked.

"Is he happy? Does he have someone special in his life?" she asked sincerely.

"Well, I don't about happy but he seems content with his life," Olivia answered, purposely avoiding Gwen's last question.

"You didn't answer my last question. Is there someone special in his life?" Gwen asked again.

"Not that I know of, I think John's sort of given up on relationships. I mean if someone just sort of wandered into his life, I don't think he'd chase her away, but I don't think he's looking very hard, anymore," Olivia answered and then added, "what about you, is there someone special in your life? I mean should we have been calling someone in here for you?"

"No, no there isn't anyone special in my life. My employees at the diner are sort of like a family to me, like brothers and sisters and the children I never had," Gwen answered, a little wistfully Olivia thought.

Just then the door to Gwen's hospital room pushed open. "Hi Olivia," Fin said.

"Hi Fin, who you got with you?" Olivia asked.

"Olivia Benson, this is forensic sketch artist Nancy Myers," Fin said by way of introducing his companion.

"Nancy, huh, well I'll try not to hold your name against you. Gwen Munch," Gwen said and offered the other woman her hand before Olivia could finish the introductions.

"Please to meet you. What did you mean by not holding my name against me?" the sketch artist asked.

"Nancy was the name of my ex-husband's second wife, just about the time I came to my senses and realized I wanted him back, Nancy had her claws in him," Gwen sighed, "story of my life, bad timing."

"After working with Munch all these years, I can't believe that once you got shed of him you'd want him back," Fin said with a smile.

"And just who are you?" Gwen asked, pretending to be stern.

"Odafin Tutuola, Fin, I'm John's partner," Fin answered.

Gwen smiled at Fin. "It's good to know he's got a partner who won't take any guff off of him," she said.

"Yeah, well speaking of my partner, I have to find him, get him to go home and get some rest, or the Captain will have my hide," Fin said.

"I see you get all the easy assignments," Gwen teased.

"Yeah, point me in the right direction and wish me luck ladies, lots of luck" he said.

"Elliot took him to the cafeteria for some coffee," Olivia volunteered.

"Good luck Fin," Gwen called out.

After Fin left the sketch artist set to work with Gwen to see if they could come up with a good composite sketch of her attacker. As Olivia watched the artist sketch in the things Gwen had told her about, she stifled a yawn.

"Maybe Fin should be taking you home instead of Johnny," Gwen observed.

"Well, I have the sense to take myself home, but John may not, at least not this time," Olivia replied.

"Yes, but at least I know John got some sleep last night," Gwen countered.

"He did?" Olivia asked puzzled.

"I didn't think I could sleep without having nightmares, so I asked Johnny to hold me. I've always felt safe in his arms, and well, we both drifted off to sleep. I think we must have gotten about 4 hours of good uninterrupted sleep," she explained.

"Hm, that means Fin's going to have an even harder time convincing him to follow the Captain's orders," Olivia guessed.

"Yes, and John Munch can be a very stubborn man," Gwen added.

_Hospital Cafeteria_

"Ah, there you are, right were Olivia said you'd be," Fin said as he approached Elliot and John.

"Hey Fin," Elliot said.

"Oh, if it isn't my keeper. I suppose you've come to make sure I go home like a good little boy?" John said to his partner, his usual sarcastic tone coming through loud and clear.

"Yeah, and don't make my life anymore difficult than it already is, OK? Just cooperate, let me take you back to your place, you can crash for a few hours, get a shower and some fresh clothes and maybe by then we'll be somewhere on Gwen's case," Fin said, trying to cajole his partner into cooperating.

"How about a compromise? I'll let you drive me home, so I can get a shower and change clothes and then I'll come into the station help you work on Gwen's case," John countered.

"You better take the offer, it's probable as good as you're gonna get from him," Elliot added.

"OK, you ready to go then?" Fin asked.

"Almost, I'd like to stop by and say goodbye to Gwen, and check and see if they've got a dismissal time scheduled for her," John answered.

"I'll check with her doctor for you while you say goodbye. How's that?" Fin suggested.

"Great, meet you at the nurses station in about 15 minutes?" John suggested and Fin nodded his head.

John headed to Gwen's room while Elliot escorted Fin to the nurse's station.

"How's he doing?" Fin asked inclining his head in John's direction.

"I'd be lying if I said he was fine. He's torn up about this. Thing is I think maybe he's still in love with Gwen and he's thinking maybe this assault will bring them back together, and well you know how that could go," Elliot replied.

"Yeah, he could really get his heart beat up, again," Fin looked down the hall towards the direction Munch had walked, a worried look on his face.

_Gwen's Room_

"Excuse me ladies, I just came in to take my leave of this lovely lady," John said.

"Oh, well we were just through here, Gwen's provided Forensic Artist Myers here with really good details for a sketch so we were just going to see about getting transportation back to the station," Olivia commented.

"I think Elliot might be able to give you a lift. Can I see the sketch?" John asked.

"Sure," Myers answered and held the sketch out so John could see it.

"Damn! It can't be," John said, as he stared at the sketch.

"John what is it?" Olivia asked.

"Gwen, honey, describe the guy to me," John requested of Gwen ignoring Olivia's comment.

"He was white, about 5' 7" 140lbs, very muscular and tanned, about 50. His hair was sort of salt and pepper and he had very blue eyes," she replied very concisely having given the description several times now.

"John, do you know this perp?" Olivia asked, hoping he'd answer her this time.

"It can't be the same guy, he's dead. I know he's dead. But he looks so much like him," John said sounding a bit spooked.

"Who does he look like? Maybe he's a relative of the guy," Olivia said.

"He looks like Gordon Pratt, a guy who shot my partner Stan Bolander and two other Baltimore homicide detectives," John answered.

"When did that happen?" Olivia asked.

"A little over ten years ago," John replied.

"But the guy's dead?" Olivia asked, wanting to be certain of the facts.

"Yeah, we didn't have enough to charge him with the attempted murders of the three detectives, so we had to kick him loose and within a few hours of his release he was found dead in his apartment building," Munch explained.

"Did they find out who shot him?" Olivia asked, vaguely remembering a rumor she'd once heard about John.

"No, but Bayliss, the primary on the case, didn't find a lot of cooperation when he tried to investigate the case and he wasn't all that enthusiastic about closing it," John explained.

"Why not?"

"His chief suspects were all cops," John answered.

"Including you?" Gwen asked.

"Yeah, including me," John answered.

"Did Pratt have family?" Olivia asked.

"He was the only child of an older couple. I don't know if there was any other family," John replied.

"I'm going to see if I can find Elliot, and we'll add this sketch and your information about Pratt into the mix see what we've got," Olivia said, and she and the sketch artist left.

John waited until the door had closed.

"Oh God Gwen, if this is some relative of Pratt's seeking revenge on me by going after you, I'll never forgive myself," he said.

"Did you kill this Gordon Pratt?" Gwen asked quietly.

He didn't answer her immediately. He walked away from her bed, and leaned on the windowsill, pretending to look out the window, but really he was seeing the events leading up to Pratt's death.

"We were out after this guy who we were sure had molested and killed a little boy. He lived in the same apartment building as Pratt. We had an arrest warrant to serve, but there was a typographical error and so we went to the wrong room. He'd seen us coming, me and Stan and Kay and Beau. He had gone out of his room and up the stairs. When we went to serve the warrant, he opened fire on us with a couple of semi-automatic pistols. Stan was shot in the head, Kay in the heart; Beau took one to his leg and another to his shoulder. All those bullets flying around and not a one hit me. I tried to return fire, but I couldn't get my gun out, I kept slipping in their blood," he paused, trying to regain his composure.

"We went after the wrong guy at first, the guy we were trying to serve the warrant on in the first place, but then we finally realized it was Pratt we wanted. Pembleton and Bayliss couldn't get a confession out of him, and we didn't have the weapons, so we couldn't make a case. Pratt walked, and a lot of people were angry about that, me included. I went to see how Stan was doing, and then I went to see Pratt, when I got there, he was dead, very recently dead. I just turned around and walked away; glad someone had saved me the trouble. No, I didn't kill Pratt, but only because someone beat me to the punch," John admitted.

"Oh Johnny, I can't believe you would have pulled the trigger," Gwen said.

"You don't know how much Stan meant to me," he replied, and she nodded her head in understanding.

"Fin's waiting for me at the Nursing station, so I better get going. I just dropped in to say bye and let you know that I'll be back in time to take you home. OK?"

"OK."

John hesitated for a moment and then he bent over and gave Gwen a gentle kiss. He touched his forehead to hers and said very softly, "I still love you."

He started to pull away but she held him with a hand to the back of his neck, she reached up with her other hand and took his glasses off so she could look directly into his eyes, "And I still love you," she replied, and then she lifted herself up a bit to kiss him. The kiss was deeper than the first kiss, but still on the side of being sweet and chaste. She put his glasses back on his face.

"Go on now, I'll see you later."

As John Munch left his ex-wife's hospital room he wondered when the last time was he'd been on an emotional roller coaster ride like this if indeed he'd ever been on one as turbulent as this one. He'd been through anger, guilt, sadness, and falling in love all over again in what felt like the blink of an eye.

"Take me home partner," he said to Odafin Tutuola. "I need a stiff drink and a hot shower."


	6. Chapter 6

As Fin drove Munch to his apartment, he stole glances at the older man and finally decided he'd have to ask John questions to get him started talking.

"What's up bro'? You're awfully quiet," he ventured.

John glanced over at Fin as though he'd almost forgotten he was there. "Sorry, I was a bit lost in my thoughts. The last," John glanced at his watch, "God, has it only been eight hours, well whatever it's been, it's been like an emotional roller coaster. I want to protect Gwen, take all her pain away, love her again, but I'm so eaten up with anger and guilt…"

"Guilt, what have you got to feel guilty about?" Fin asked truly bewildered.

"I just saw the sketch of Gwen's attacker. He bears a striking resemblance to that slime ball Gordon Pratt, the guy who shot my partner and two other Baltimore Homicide detectives I was working with on this simple arrest warrant about ten years ago." John explained to Fin in an agitated manner.

"Now I know it can't be him, because somebody put a 9mm in the back of his head after he was released because we didn't have enough to book him on those three shootings. A lot of folks, including my old pal and fellow owner of the Waterfront Bar Tim Bayliss, thought I was good for Pratt's murder."

Munch finished his explanation, just as they arrived his apartment building. As they got out of the car and headed for the buildings entrance, Fin remembered something from early in their partnership, something about how John couldn't handle the 'Karmic heavy lifting anymore'. He briefly wondered if John was indeed 'good for it' but quickly shoved the thought aside as not matching the man he knew.

"You didn't do him, did ya?" Fin asked in a tone that said he wouldn't believe a confession if John made one.

"No, but not because I didn't want to, I just showed up too late." John stopped Fin by putting a hand on his arm. "But what if this guy believes I killed Pratt?"

"And he's taking his revenge out on you by raping and beating Gwen," Fin finished the thought for John.

"Yeah," John said dejectedly, as he keyed opened his apartment door.

Back at the SVU squad room Cragen, Stabler and Benson were kicking around the same idea.

"So Munch says this guy looks like Gordon Pratt, the guy who shot three Baltimore Homicide cops?" Cragen asked Olivia.

"Yes, only John says he knows the guy is dead, probably killed by someone revenging the three cops. This Pratt was an only child, so John can't quite figure out what's going on," Olivia answered.

"Well let's get the picture on out to the cops in Maryland and the states between here and there and see if this guy's mug rings a bell with anyone, and then lets look up some of the cops John worked with in Baltimore for background information. See if any of them remember anything that might help us out with this case," Cragen ordered.

"You know what I don't get?" Elliot asked rhetorically.

"No, but I'm sure you'll fill us in," Cragen said trying for a little humor to lighten the tense situation. Elliot and Olivia each gave him a slight smile.

"Say someone is pissed off with John because they think he's the guy who took out Pratt," Elliot paused and Cragen nodded indicating he was with him so far. "Well, how would this person know that attacking Gwen would hurt John so much? I mean some guys couldn't give a rat's ass what happens to their ex-wives, in fact, I'm not sure an attack like this would have mattered as much to John if it had been on one of his other ex-wives." Elliot suggested.

"I don't know about that Elliot, underneath that cynical exterior John's got a very tender heart. I'm sure it would have bothered him for any of his ex-wives to be attacked like this," Olivia argued.

"Sure, but Elliot's got a point, Gwen is special to John, how would this rapist know that?"

"Or does he?" a new voice asked.

The three of them whipped their heads around to notice that Brian Cassidy had entered the squad room.

"Brian, what in the world are you doing here?" Captain Cragen asked.

"I heard about John's ex being raped and thought I'd come over and see if I could help out. Where's the old man? Still with Gwen at the hospital?" Brian answered Cragen's question and added a few of his own.

"He might be, although Fin was suppose to get him to go home and get some rest. How'd you learn about this case?" Cragen asked.

"I'm dating a nurse at St. Vincent and she's heard me mention John Munch often enough to know I'd be concerned. So she called me and filled me in as much as she could. I'm on an RDO so I'd be glad to help," Brian offered.

Elliot and Olivia looked at the Captain expectantly. "Sure why not, maybe that way I can even convince Munch to steer clear of the case," Cragen said, though the latter wasn't said with any great conviction.

"I'm going to take a shower. You mind making some coffee?" John asked.

Coffee? You just had coffee with Elliot," Fin said somewhat argumentatively.

"Yes, Coffee," John replied while struggling out of a pullover shirt. "I got about 4 hours of good sleep last night, but I still need some caffeine to keep me going," he explained.

"OK, I'll make coffee, but you only get it if you eat some real food too," Fin countered.

"OK Suzy Homemaker, suit yourself. I'll eat whatever breakfast you can come up with out of that kitchen," John yelled from the bathroom.

"Suzy Homemaker, my ass. I oughta slip something in his damn coffee," Fin grumbled under his breath as he rummaged around John's kitchen to find the makings of breakfast.

John emerged from the bathroom about ten minutes later, a towel wrapped around his waist, briskly toweling dry his hair. "Something smells good," he said.

"Yeah, breakfast. Now go put some clothes on, before staring at your scrawny body makes me lose my appetite," Fin barked.

"Why the hell you staring at my scrawny body, anyway? Pervert!" John yelled from his bedroom teasingly. Fin was glad to see his partner was coming out of his funk and getting back to his usual self.

"These are really good," John said with a note of surprise in his voice after sampling the scrambled eggs Finn had prepared.

"You're just really hungry," Finn replied and smiled at his partner.

"Probably. Hey, I had a brainstorm when I was showering. You know my kid brother Bernie"–

"Not personally," Fin said.

"Shut up," John said with a laugh. " As I was saying, my brother doesn't look that much like me, takes after my Mom's side of the family, and I look a lot like my Dad, but I've got a cousin looks just like me"–

"Poor guy, is he a skinny smart ass just like you?" Fin asked.

"Very funny Tutuola, as I was saying before you interrupted again, this guy who raped Gwen, is probably Pratt's cousin," John concluded.

"Could be, at least it's a good place to start. You know I was wondering a couple of things. What took this guy so long to come after you? And how's he know going after Gwen would be such a good way to hurt you?" Fin asked thoughtfully.

"Maybe he's been out of commission for a while," John said in a wondering tone. "Come on let's get down to the stationhouse. By the way, did you find out when they're going to release Gwen be?" John said picking up his dish and putting it in the sink

"They said between 2 and 3 pm, depended on the doctor's schedule," Fin answered as he added his dish to the sink.

"Good that gives us a few hours to work on this at the squad before I need to go pick her up. I need to find out who has her new keys too," John said sort of thinking out loud as he put on his gun holster, and then grabbed his keys. "Let's go."

Fin and John arrived at the squad room to find Stabler, Benson and Cassidy all working hard. Brian was sitting at Fin's desk.

"Brian what are you doing here?" John asked.

"I heard about what happened to your ex and I wanted to help out," Brian said standing up to shake the older man's hand and give him a hug.

"You know this kid?" Fin said, giving Brian a hard time.

"Yeah, I taught him everything he knows about being a detective. How do you know him?" John asked.

"We worked a few Narc cases together. How you doing Brian?" Fin asked the other detective.

"I'm OK. You watching the old man's back now, huh?"

"Yeah, and vice versa," Fin said.

"Say, hate to break up old home week here, but I got a couple of questions for John," Elliot said.

"Sure, and Fin and I were kicking around a couple of ideas. Maybe this guy is Pratt's cousin or something. We were also thinking that the big lag between when Pratt was shot and when Gwen was raped, might mean this guy was serving time," John explained what he and Fin had been talking about.

"Yeah, we were thinking along the same lines. I was hoping with your experience in Baltimore and the Pratt case in particular you could help us shortcut a few things we need to research," Elliot explained.

The squad plus Brian Cassidy worked on the various ideas, working through a lunch that was carried in and by 1pm they had discovered that Gordon Pratt did indeed have a cousin who resembled him, one Percy Howell. Howell had been serving hard time in Hagerstown for a variety of felonies he had committed and had been paroled a month earlier

"Where's the mug shot that Maryland DOC sent? Let's get a six-pack together and see if Gwen can pick him out, and then, if he's really our guy, we'll set up a search for him," Cragen barked out orders. Elliot nodded and turned to find Munch staring at the picture of the suspect. John's face was blank, but Elliot was sure John was seething inside. Elliot nudged John out of his reverie and they began preparing the six-pack.

"Captain, John promised Gwen he'd pick her up from the hospital and take her to her apartment when they released her today at 2pm. I'll go with him, and show her the six pack then, if that's alright with you," Fin suggested.

"OK, sounds like a plan," Cragen said.

"Captain," Fin said and stepped inside the Captain's office, closing the door behind him.

"Something bothering you, Fin?" the captain asked.

"Yeah, if we're right that this guy Howell is going after John through his ex, don't you think at some point, he's going to go after John directly?' Fin asked.

"He may have tried already, that bomb he put in Gwen's purse may have been meant to take them both out," Cragen suggested.

"Maybe," Fin said dubiously, "Although he may have meant that just to scare her more. What I'm wondering is, don't you think we should have a detail on John?"

"That's not a bad idea, but I suspect John's not going to like it, and it's not like we've got a lot of man power for a babysitting job."

"Yeah, well I think Cassidy would be willing to help me watch John's back, and I suspect there's a couple of other former SVU copss who would be willing to help watch his back." Fin suggested.

"Now that's a good idea. You and Brian go with him to the hospital, and show Gwen the six pack, and then you two baby-sit John. Meanwhile, I'll call Jeffries and Briscoe, see if they can't spare some time to play guardian angel to Munch," Cragen responded.

Fin nodded and headed back out into the squad room.


	7. Chapter 7

Fin left the captain's office and subtly eased over to where Brian Cassidy was working. He quietly filled him in on the plan to watch Munch's back. Brian readily agreed to go along.

"Hey, old man we better make tracks if we're gonna pick up your ex at the hospital," Fin said to get Munch's attention.

"Yeah, just let me grab my coat and the six pack and I'm ready," John replied.

"Hey, mind if I tag along?" Cassidy asked.

John looked at Brian over his glasses, then at Fin.

"Damn, wait here," he ordered his partner and former partner.

"You putting Fin and, and Skippy on me as a protection detail?" John demanded to know as he stormed into his commanding officer's office.

"As a matter of fact, yeah. You have a problem with that, detective?" Cragen's voice was calm and even, but the way he stressed John's title let him know Cragen was not going to back down easily on the matter of a protection detail.

"As a matter of fact yeah I do. I don't need them," –

"John, right now I'm convinced you don't know what you need."

"The hell I,"- Cragen held his hands up to stop John's tirade.

"John, in the last dozen hours or so you've been through an emotional minefield. You're running on adrenaline, caffeine, and your gut feelings. Stop and think about the situation, if Elliot or Fin were in a similar situation, what would you expect me to do?

Munch blew out a breath, stuck his hands in his pockets, bent his left leg up so that his foot was up against the wall behind him, and stood with his head down for a few moments thinking, or at least pretending too. Finally he pushed of the wall a bit and leaned his head to the side.

"You'd do what you're doing now," he reluctantly admitted.

"Right, so hurry up and get over to the hospital and get Gwen to look at that six pack and then take her to her apartment," Cragen said.

As Munch started to leave, Cragen called out, "And John, don't you dare ditch Fin and Brian. Hopefully they won't cramp your style too much," he added.

John shook his head, then turned back around to get the last word in, "If they do, I'll have to see if I can remember all the tricks I used to use on my little brother Bernie."

"Get out of here!" Cragen mock yelled at John.

"Alright, come on Pothos, D'Artagnan, milady awaits," John yelled at Fin and Brian as he headed for the stairs leading out of the squad.

"You heard him D'Artagnan, let's go," Fin said giving Brian a playful shove.

"D'Artagnan, how come I've got to be D'Artagnan?" Brian asked as they left.

"If you got to ask I can't explain," Fin answered.

"Hey I'll go get a wheelchair, you know they won't let her out without one," Fin offered.

"Yeah OK, meet you in Gwen's room," Munch said as he headed off with Cassidy at his heels.

"Hey, beautiful," John said as he opened the door.

"Hi Johnny," Gwen replied. She was dressed in the slacks and sweater Olivia had brought for her and was sitting on the edge of her bed.

"You look ready to go," he commented as he let the door go almost closing on Brian.

"More than ready. Who's this with you?"

"Gwen meet Brian Cassidy, Brian this is my first wife, Gwen," John said. He wondered if either Brian or Gwen had notice the slight hesitation before he'd said first wife. He'd been tempted to just introduce her as his wife, and he refused to call her his ex-wife anymore. The one thing this whole ordeal had made clear to him was that he had to have Gwen back in his life.

"Pleased to finally meet you," Brian said as he reached out a hand to shake hands with Gwen.

"Finally meet me?" Gwen repeated puzzled.

"Brian was my partner my first year in SVU, then he wised up and transferred out. I may have mentioned you a few times to him."

"A few dozen times," Brian corrected.

"I hate to think of some of the things he said about me," Gwen said with a laugh.

"Actually he spoke more fondly of you than any of his other exes," Brian said, he looked at John and could tell he was embarrassing his friend, but in a good way.

"Fin's rounding up a wheelchair, you know what sticklers hospitals are for their rules," John nervously flipped the six-pack of pictures on his pant leg.

"Yeah I do. What's that you've got?" she asked.

"Oh, yeah this is what we call a six-pack. We have this grouping of pictures, and we want to see if any of these guys looks familiar to you."

John held the frame of six pictures so she could see the faces.

"That's him! That's the man that attacked me!" she said, pointing to the man in the middle of the top row; sure enough it was Gordon Pratt's cousin Percy Howell. Gwen was visibly shaken and Munch started to hold her, but hesitated as he gave Cassidy a look.

"I'll call Cragen and let him know we've got the right guy, so he can get the ADA to get an arrest warrant out for this guy," Brian volunteered. He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket as he exited the room.

"Whoa, don't go in there just yet," Brian said to Fin, as he walked out of Gwen's room and nearly collided with Fin who was pushing a wheelchair.

"What's up?" Fin asked, puzzled.

"Gwen IDed Howell from the six-pack, but it really upset her, so John's in there comforting her. I think we ought to give them a little time and space. I left the room to call the captain, tell him we can get the arrest warrant," Cassidy explained.

"OK, well let's do that. Here, give me a push," Fin said as he sat down in the wheelchair and pulled out his cell phone to make the call Brian had been about to make.

"Sh, it's all right. I've got you. No one's going to hurt you as long as I'm here," Munch crooned to Gwen as he held her and gently rocked back and forth with her.

"It's almost over now, isn't it?" Gwen asked John.

"Sure, baby, almost over," he lied to her. He kissed her temple and rocked her some more. He couldn't bear to tell her that even if finding and arresting the guy proved easy, there was still the possibility of a long and ugly trial and worse still, he wasn't letting himself face how hard it would be for her to recover from the rape.


	8. Chapter 8

Percy Howell sat in the back of his non-descript van and watched through the special peephole he had in the van's side panel the apartment complex in which Gwen Munch lived. Other people might get inpatient waiting for hours for someone to show up, but considering he had waited over ten years for his revenge on John Munch, a few more hours was nothing. He had spent years figuring out which cop bastard shot his cousin; even while he was in prison he kept digging. Once he had it figured out, he had to find out where Munch had gone and how to hurt him. Now it was just a matter of executing his plan.

On the ride over to Gwen's apartment Brian chattered on, Munch let him, as he was mostly interested in watching Gwen, seeing how she was doing. When they arrived Fin and Brian got out of the car and acted like two secret service agents protecting the president and first lady. They got out of the car first and un-holstered their weapons, looking around to see if they saw any danger, then they let John and Gwen exit the car between them and marched them quickly to the apartment complex

"Damn!" Howell said to himself and punched the side of the van; he hadn't anticipated the protection detail would be so effective. Well, he'd just wait. Surely they'd slip up, sooner or later, patience would get him his revenge.

Fin and Brian split up once they got in the apartment complex. One headed to the back of the complex and the other headed up to the apartment with John and Gwen. Each offered to relieve one of the uniforms that had been watching Gwen's apartment. They told them to go get some chow; mostly they did it to continue giving Munch and Gwen some time to themselves and partly because they both remembered how boring those kinds of details could be.

"Something about Brian reminds me of your brother Bernie," Gwen observed as she set her bag down just inside the apartment door.

"That would be his non-stop mouth," John said as he stepped into the living room. "Wow, this place looks a lot like our place in Baltimore," he said, effectively cutting off any response Gwen might have had to his previous comment.

"Well, I still have a lot of the furnishing we had back then."

"Yeah, I noticed you still have that awful portrait of you and your mom," he observed.

"It's not that bad," she countered as she moved further into the living room, letting her shoes slip off as she sat on the couch and then curling one leg under her.

"She's scowling at you and you're just a cute little girl in that picture," he disagreed.

She smiled up at him and shook her head a little, John had never liked her mother, a feeling that was totally mutual, but he had been and still was her champion.

John continued looking at the room, letting his fingers trail over things that were familiar, he got to a section of the bookcase and whirled on her.

"Hey, you said you had thrown out all my books," his words sounded accusatory, but a smile played at the corner of his mouth.

"I thought I had, but those were scattered all over the place, in the bathroom, under the bed, behind your chair, under the coffee table. I even found some in the kitchen cabinets. You know you never were very good about putting things away."

"Yeah, and I always had about six different books going at once"-

"And then you'd forget where they were and you'd start another half dozen, between them and your newspapers and your magazines, you drove me crazy," she interrupted him and then sighed.

"You mean when I was home," he said sadly and softly while looking down at the floor.

She got up and moved to the bookcase he was standing in front of. "Do you want me to box these up for you?" she asked, starting to remove a few books.

"No," he answered, placing his hand over hers and helping her reshelf the books. "I've long since replaced these titles and besides, it will give me something to read when I'm here."

"Oh, so you plan on being here do you?" she asked teasingly.

He smiled at her, almost shyly. "If you'll let me."

"I think it can be arranged."

John moved on to inspect another area of the living room. He touched the portrait of his younger self. "God, was I ever that young?"

"And handsome too," she added.

"I was never handsome, you on the other hand were and still are beautiful."

"And you must really need those glasses."

"Gweny," he chided.

"Gweny? I haven't heard you call me that in years, and then usually when you were drunk."

He ducked his head, and that brought her vinyl record collection into his view.

"Hey, I forgot what a great record collection we had," he knelt down and started flipping through the albums, "that you got to keep," he added with a bitter-sweetness in his voice.

"That divorce attorney I got really did screw you over didn't he?"

"I'll say, considering you were the one stepping out on me, but"- he put his hand up, "let's not get into all that OK?"

"OK, let's agree, we can only bring up the good memories from the past, deal?"

"Deal," he said as he brought up an album and handed it to her. "Wanna dance?"

"Yes, but I think maybe I shouldn't, I don't think I'm really up to it yet. How about we just sit on the couch and listen?"

"OK," John took the album back from her and selected a few more and then set them up to play on her stereo. He then came back to sit next to Gwen. He put an arm around her and held her hand. As they listened to songs that had once been favorites of theirs, he decided it was time to talk to Gwen about some things that should happen in the next few days.

"Gwen, I know I told you that we were getting close to the end, but there's still a lot of things that have to happen."

"Like what?"

"Well, for one thing you need to see a rape counselor."

"Do I have to do that?"

"Yes, this time I'm not going to let you avoid seeing a therapist." John stood up abruptly and started to pace. "I was wrong to be so resistant to psychotherapy after Etta's death. I should have made you go. I should have gone and I should have made us go together. I just,"– he trailed off and came back to stand next to her one knee on the couch.

"You just what?" she asked, taking his hands and pulling him down to sit next to her.

'I hate therapists. I got my fill of them after Dad died."

"Why's that?" she tilted her head and reached out with both hands to remove his glasses. She wanted to be able to see his eyes, so that she knew he was being honest with her.

He put his head down and then he looked up at her and sighed. "I should have told you this a long time ago. You were my wife. I never should have kept so much from you, but it was always so hard to talk about, so hard to relive."

Gwen moved a little closer to John. "Tell me now," she said simply and gently.

"You know my Dad died when I was a kid," John paused and Gwen nodded her head to confirm that she did.

"What I never talk about is how he died or the events leading up to his death," John took a deep breath, as though even saying this much was already taking a lot out of him.

"I was twelve years old, Bernie was six. We had a routine. My dad went to work early, so he was home by the time Bernie and I got home from school. Mom often did volunteer work in the afternoon, so sometimes she got in a little after us. That day I'd walked over from my middle school to Bernie's elementary school and then walked him home. We came in the house and it was deadly quiet, and then I smelled this strange odor, to me it was sort of like fireworks on the fourth of July. I called out for Dad but I didn't get an answer and that sort of spooked me. So I told Bernie to wait in the living room. I walked into the dining room and there he was, the pistol in his hand and his brains blown out all over our dining room wall," John was quiet for a time and Gwen could see him remembering.

"Oh my God Johnny, I had no idea," she pulled him into her arms. He let her hold him for a time, but then he pushed away and gathered himself.

"There's more, I always felt so guilty about his death," he explained.

"Why, why on earth would you feel guilty?"

John started a very slight rocking, back and forth on the couch, clearly in distress. "The evening before he committed suicide, he disciplined me for being a wiseass and, and,"– John started having trouble getting the words out as he felt the long suppressed anguish. "I yelled at him. I told him I hated his guts. Those were the last words I ever said to him. I never got to tell him I didn't mean it. I loved my Dad. He was my hero. I didn't mean what I,"-

"Johnny, he was your Dad, he knew you loved him, just like he loved you and he knew you didn't mean what you said. He knew you were just angry. Parents know those things."

"But I never got to take it back and I didn't protect Bernie," John added.

"Protect Bernie?"

"I was so shocked I just stood there, and after a while Bernie came looking for me, to see what was wrong. I should have kept him from seeing Dad that way, he was so little and Dad always said it was my job to take care of Bernie, because he was my little brother" John's guilt came through clearly.

"When Dad died I was sent to see the Rabbi and the school psychologist. I hated them both. I hated the rabbi because I had been studying for my bar mitzvah, and had read about how suicide was just like murder, it went against God's commandments. I thought that some how the rabbi was being hypocritical to pretend that my father's suicide was OK, when I knew many in the congregation thought, and whispered loudly enough to be overheard, that my father should not have been accorded a Jewish funeral or have been buried in consecrated ground. I thought the school counselor, on the other hand was an idiot, with a bunch of stupid platitudes and worn out psychobabble. I just wanted them all to leave me alone."

"I pushed everything aside after awhile, until we got married and you wanted to have kids. I suddenly started wondering if maybe I'd be the same kind of father as my dad. Maybe one day, when my kids really needed me, I'd want to take the easy way out too. I couldn't do that to a kid."

"Oh Johnny," Gwen reached out for him and wrapped her arms around him drawing him into an embrace. They held each other for several minutes, before letting go.

"I should have told you then. I shouldn't have had secrets from you. I should have told you, maybe things would have been different for us."

"Stop it, just stop it! You can't change the past. You aren't responsible for your father's death or Etta's, and maybe if we'd gone to counseling back then we'd have stayed together, but we don't know that and it's spilt milk any way. We can't change the past or predict the future, we just have to deal with what we have right here and now."

John looked at Gwen for a moment and then a smile crossed his face. "You're gonna give the rape counselor a run for her money."

Gwen laughed but before she could respond there was a knock at her door.


End file.
